Dear Dally,
You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to write those words. I’ve said them to myself in my mind, sometimes out loud when in lying in my bed. People talk, that’s one lesson I’ve learned in my 18 years of being your little sister. People also lie and steal—something both you an I know all to well.
My birthday was almost two months ago, and not even a single wish from no one. Sort of thought turning 18 would’ve been a special occasion, but I guess I hadn’t learned to not keep my hopes up as high as I do. I miss Tulsa, I really do, and you know better than anyone how hard it is for me to say that. Darry and Soda, How are they doing? I think about the Curtises a lot. Ponyboy, heard he’s going places through the grapevine. Mom and Dad aren’t doing to well, but I know better than anyone that you don't give a rat’s ass about either of them. You have reasons to, I understand. Here in Colorado, I haven’t met no one. The scar Dad put on my face scares people to much. I got a job working at a gas station. Meeting all sorts of folks everyday is fun, but does get mighty old.
A lot of Hoods come in. Last week I got a gun put to my head by one, but I wasn’t really scared. The boy had this look in his eye, this long, longing look. Reminded me of you. His soul... a lot like you and I’s. Something about them were calming—I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. Just wanted to do something for the sake of doing it. Never got his name, and I couldn’t stand to watch him Leave the place. My other buddy was at the back patio, smoking a joint for the whole thing. Our boss lets us smoke inside, but you know how much I cant stand the smell.
The other day, this kid came in with his Momma, spent a real long time in the candy. He tried to walk out with a pack of M&Ms. Darn little thing, I could tell he was one hell of a troublemaker. There a fit when his Momma told him he couldn’t have it. Got to the point to where I let him walk out with it for free. Momma, you could tell she was being run ragged by the little fella. Almost felt sorry for her, you know. Life is like that sometimes.
Two or three months back, an 18-wheeler and a tow truck had crashed into each other on the highway out front. The tow truck didn’t have its hazards on and the 18-wheeler wasn’t paying attention. Made a real mess. They were other alright—the divers I mean. Both vehicles had gone to hell. If the fire crew hadn’t gotten there when they did, both would’ve exploded. Didn’t take long for the police to clean up all the glass and metal. Only took halve a shift from crash to clean-up. Wish you would’ve been there, I know we would've talked about it for hours afterwards.
Something tells me you would really like Colorado. The folks out here are real easy going. Seems like everyone knows how to play the guitar. The mountains are real nice, but in the winter the sun sets real early. Sometimes before I get home. I’m barely making enough to keep my makeshift apartment, hardly any for food. My buddy and I go out for Mickey D’s for lunch Tuesdays and Thursdays, sometimes that’s all I have. Lost probably 30 pounds from when you last saw me, and I was pretty small to begin with. Living off candy and gas station coffee isn’t all that great, but I’m handling it. Working at a gas station, you sure do have a lot of things happen to you, a lot of stories to tell. I probably have stories for the rest of my life it seems.
I talk about you a lot, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes to the point to where my buddy wants so smack my head on the counter. He’s quiet, and I can’t learn to shut my trap when it’s needed. They have music playing all day at the station. It’s gotten tot he point to where I know all the. words to every song on the radio. I’ve grown to like The Beach Boys, so does that make m a soc? I guess not, to poor to put gas in my car. I walk to work most days, but when the weathers real bad my Buddy offers to give me ride.
Two-bit just called me. I don't know how he got my number—Darry said a few words. “Maree, somethings happened,” play in my mind. Johnny, I’m sorry. Dally, it wasn’t your fault. Don’t self-destruct. Life is an amazing thing, something so harsh and cruel, yet extremely delicate. Darry told me a story how Johnny and Ponyboy had run away after killing a Soc. He also told me you helped them. I told him that didn’t sound like you. I know how Johnny paid attention to you most. Heard he died from trying to save children from a church. He was speaking so quickly I didn’t hear the word “fire” till someone said it in the background. Oh Dallas, It wasn’t your fault. Remember when dad had took our dog Oli, saying that he had a broken leg, so Dad shot him in the house and made us clean it up? I can remember crying each night, haunted by the sight, but each time you held me, and I would bury my face in the crook of your neck when I tried to sleep. You kept saying, “It’s going to be okay Mae,” shushing my sobs away.
The night you had finally cried with me, is the one I remember most, the whole reason why I remember the whole ordeal as well as I do. I hope you remember that night, even when you kept denying that you hadn’t. Even since you left that night for your reasons in leaving to New York. That night, you remembered how to cry. Dallas, please still remember how to cry. For your little sister please ball. I don’t care if its when you’re alone in your car, right now, or sitting on the couch in the Curtises. Yell, kick, scream, it helps. Johnny was your friend, family. He deserves to be cried about. Feel pain now rather than later. You’ll be better off, you and I both know. Don’t do anything stupid, please. I got no one else besides you, and you’ve been slipping away from me ever since I left for the mountains. I regret it Dally, I regret moving. I wish I hadn’t. I regret leaving Tulsa. I’m sorry for what I said that day when I hopped into my car and didn’t look back. Remember what Pony said that day? “You take up for your buddies, no matter what they do. When you’re a gang you, stick up for the members. If you don't stick up for them, stick together, make like brothers, it isn’t a gang anymore. It’s a pack. A snarling, distrustful, bickering pack like Socs in their social clubs or street gangs in New York or wolves in Timber.” (P. 26). I wrote that down on a note when you first told me. You, Dallas Winston, you kept our bothers a gang. You helped Johnny and Ponyboy when they needed someone. You drove them to the Dairy Queen and got them foot. You’re willing to stand up for Soda, Darry, Pony, Johnny, Steve, Two-bit, and so on. After Darry had told me the news, Pony was passed the phone. He told me that “Cherry was afraid of loving you,” saying, “She saw Bob, but also the carelessness, and the way Dallas carried himself, she kind of admired him.” (P.27)
Dallas, all I'm trying to say is, no matter how much you're broken, alone, and numb, unable to feel the tiniest bit of emotion in the world, you're never alone. You always got Darry, Soda, Steve, Pony, Two-bit too, but most of all, you got me. Your, "Rag-tag annoying ass little sister" that you held at night when life was catching up to her. I'm the one you ran to after your buddy got shot up in New York. I remember, you came back all beaten up and I ran out and hugged you when I saw your face for the first time in months, maybe years. Dallas, there are people who need you, I need you. You are my big brother who can take on anything and come out fine. You have a family and the support.
When Grandma Ann died, when we were real young, I know that's when everything started. That's when Mom started doing the drugs and Dad started to drink because of Mom doing the drugs. You and I, we have been surrounded by death our whole lives, but we always made it through the pain no matter what. We both have turned cold because of it too. You can't let this take you away. Just because you and I haven't talked in years, I still talk about you. I talk about you relentlessly.
That one day in May, couple summers ago when I was coming home from school and I was
walking through an alleyway I wasn't supposed to be in, and when that man jumped me? He grabbed my wrists so hard I had bruises on them for weeks. He would've taken me if you weren't just a few paces away. You saved me. We're blood Dallas, and you always fight for blood. Dallas Winston, I will always fight for you, even from 1,000 miles part, I still wont go down without a one. You fight through this.
There are always going to be Johnnies in the world just like Darries, Ponies, Sodas, even Steves Two-bits. There are always going to be Dallas and Maree Winston, and stupid kids playing in a burning church. There are always going to be drunk parents and bad police officers, Hoods and Socs. Bad, good, better, and worse. That's life. You have to live through it or else you're a coward. Dallas, don't die a coward afraid of seeing things through. Hell, I would've killed msyelf long ago if it weren't for you coming home from New York. You came back for me because you knew you could always count on me. You can still always count on me, forever and always.
We're blood, and there's nothing changing that.
I love you brother.
~Maree Winston
