Outhouses, Bears, And Escapes

So,  my Ex-Step-Dad lives in the middle of nowhere by Cripple Creek, Colorado. His house is completely off the grid, which means that he has an outhouse. An outhouse is basically a porta potty, but not as disgusting. This was before he attached an actual bathroom to the side of the house. 

We had seen a bear in the area less than a week before, after it had raided a neighbor’s house, and taken a crap on a bag of cement. That was a little bit frightening in its own, but on with the story. So it was 5:00 AM, and I had to take a crap. I was 8 years old. So I started the 200 ft. walk to the outhouse. I got there, and started my business. 

Now at this point, I didn’t know any bear survival tactics, so if I had an encounter, I was screwed, but I was acting cautious. I didn’t see a bear when I went into the outhouse, so I felt safe. About half-way through, I heard a crash outside of the outhouse, which I’ll mention did have a locking door. This was good, but I had to leave eventually. I left about five minutes later and grabbed the biggest stick I could hold on my way out. 

As I was perambulating back towards The Dome (what we called the house) I heard something about 40 ft. away. It was the bear. I was just paralyzed, and my 8 year old brain was just like “Crap. What do? Can no run.” I knew at that point to not run. Man was that a difficult decision to make. Back then, and still a little bit now, I thought that I was a tough guy. I could take down anybody. To a little corner of my brain, the bear was only a punching bag. But the vast majority of my brain didn’t want to fight. In fact, the main conflict was whether or not to go back into the outhouse. I knew the outhouse was safe, but I would be safer at home. So I decided to go home, slowly. That’s the only bear survival tactic that I knew.

I was also upwind, so it didn’t smell me, and I’m sure now that if it had, it would’ve been gone long before that point. Especially since I could smell both the bear, and whatever just happened in it’s direction. Alas, it wasn’t, and if it noticed me it would be startled, and probably charge me. If Usain Bolt can’t outrun a bear, I was sure as hell I couldn’t. So, started the great escape. 

After thirty seconds of preparation I had come up with an adequate plan. The plan was, back away slowly, then run. I succeeded in the back away slowly part, but I never ran. When I was about 100 ft. away I turned around, bad idea I know, and kept walking. Since nothing major has happened, at least having to do with bears. I just never told anyone, but now, I realize that it’s one of the scariest moment of my life.

(The events of this story are based in reality, but have been dramatized for the effect of storytelling.)